


Subtweeting the Living

by homoamphibians



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves Friendship, Ben Hargreeves Deserves Better, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Ben Hargreeves has a heart, Ben Hargreeves-centric, Ben cares about his siblings even if they don't acknowledge him, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Ghost Ben Hargreeves, I Don't Even Know, Non-Binary Klaus Hargreeves, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Canon, Protective Klaus Hargreeves, Social Media, Social Media Fic, this is so self indulgent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:53:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26590204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homoamphibians/pseuds/homoamphibians
Summary: With siblings that won't believe that he's still around, Ben has no other choice than to turn to social media for a chance of keeping up with everyone and still being involved in the real world.or in which Ben convinces Klaus to run a twitter for him so they can stalk their siblings
Comments: 44
Kudos: 205





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> twitter handles: 
> 
> @booktopus -Ben (has about 20 or so followers)  
> @seassnce -Klaus (has about 300 followers)  
> @allisonhargreeves -Allison (has 1.4 million followers, grows daily)  
> @bookstoreviolinist -Vanya (has about 50 followers)  
> @leatherleader -Diego (has about 200 followers)  
> @dailymoonupdates -Luther (has 400 followers)

The Favorite Child|@booktopus

when will the gremlin controlling my body allow me to go outside, we need sunlight you fuck 

Your Darling|@seassnce 

_Replying to @booktopus_ imagine going outside, couldn't be me

The Favorite Child|@booktopus

_Replying to @seassnce_ you are going to die of vitamin d deficiency you fuck

Your Darling|@seassnce

_Replying to @booktopus_ bold of you to assume I can die 

The Favorite Child|@booktopus

_Replying to @seassnce_ you...you've literally died in front of me

Your Darling|@seassnce

_Replying to @booktopus_ bold of you to assume I can stay dead

The Favorite Child|@booktopus

_Replying to @seassnce_ don't you dare test it, klaus I stg

Library Lover|@bookstoreviolinist

fall is really lovely 

The Favorite Child|@booktopus

_Replying to @bookstoreviolinist_ it really is, slightly cold weather is ideal 

Library Lover|@bookstoreviolinist 

_Replying to @booktopus_ what's your favorite part about fall? 

The Favorite Child|@booktopus

_Replying to @bookstoreviolinist_ cuddling up with a cup of tea, a warm hoodie, and a good book 

Library Lover|@bookstoreviolinist

_Replying to @bookstopus_ me too! it gives me an opportunity to wear my flannels more often

_@bookstoreviolinist is now following @booktopus_

Daily Moon Updates|@dailymoonupdates

Day 436: The moon is nice today 

The Favorite Child|@booktopus

_Replying to @dailymoonupdates_ you're doing a good job, keep it up 

Daily Moon Updates|@dailymoonupdates

_Replying to @booktopus_ These daily updates will continue for the entirety of my mission but thank you 

The Favorite Child|@booktopus

_Replying to @dailymoonupdates_ you're welcome, it must take a lot to stay up on the moon and I'm proud of you for doing it

NASA|@NASA 

_Replying to @dailymoonupdates_ Good update today and we're happy you're still enjoying the moon!

Your Darling|@seassnce 

may have accidentally committed arson 

Kevin|@streetrat

_Replying to @seassnce_ what the fuck did you do 

The Non-Arson Committing Child|@booktopus 

_Replying to @streetrat and @seassnce_ someone started another fire in the trashcan for "the hell of it" now we're banned from a certain motel 

Kevin|@streetrat 

_Replying to @booktopus and @seassnce_ klaus you're a dumbass

Your Darling|@seassnce

_Replying to @streetrat and @booktopus_ to be fair, no one stopped me (successfully at least, looking at you @booktopus) 

The Non-Arson Committing Child|@booktopus 

_Replying to @seassnce_ you're dead to me 

Your Darling|@seassnce 

_Replying to @booktopus_ i'm the dead one here? lmao 

Klaus I Hate You|@booktopus

_Replying to @seassnce_ ... 

Your Darling|@seassnce 

_Replying to @booktopus_ love you too babe xoxo <3 <3 


	2. Chapter 2

#1|@leatherleader

has anyone noticed any...crimes nearby?

The Not Dumb One|@booktopus

 _Replying to @leatherleader_ idk if you should be asking that, that seems like something for police to handle

#1|@leatherleader

 _Replying to @booktopus_ no it's okay I work with the police

The Not Dumb One|@booktopus

 _Replying to @leatherleader_ if you worked with the police, wouldn't you know about crimes happening nearby?

#1|@leatherleader

 _Replying to @booktopus_ you don't know how the police work apparently

The Not Dumb One|@booktopus

 _Replying to @leatherleader_ that seems really suspicious and possibly illegal

Tired Of This|@eudorapatch

 _Replying to @leatherleader_ knock it off Diego

#1|@leatherleader

 _Replying to @eudorapatch_ make me

Tired Of This|@eudorapatch

 _Replying to @leatherleader_ do you want me to send @beeman over again?

Chuck|@beeman

 _Replying to @leatherleader_ @eudorapatch hi diego

#1|@leatherleader

 _Replying to @eudorapatch_ I'll knock it off

Chuck|@beeman

 _Replying to @leatherleader_ ...okay then :c

E!News|@enews

We heard a rumor that @allisonhargreeves new movie Fair Wages is coming to theaters soon

Allison|@allisonhargreeves

 _Replying to @enews_ it's not just a rumor ;) **Link**

yes I do the cleaning|@thirstingafterallison

 _Replying to @enews_ _@allisonhargreeves_ omg omg omg omg omg omg

i love it when women|@247gaydisaster

 _Replying to @enews @allisonhargreeves_ I'm going to pass out

disaster lesb|@queerios

 _Replying to @enews @allisonhargreeves_ that wink into camera before the lights faded has me WEAK

mom friend|@fruityloops

 _Replying to @enews @queerios_ cass in front of god and everyone?

disaster lesb|@queerios

 _Replying to @enews @fruityloops_ I'm sorry did you not see her wink into camera, my ovaries ruptured

Your Darling|@seeassnce

 _Replying to @enews @queerios_ lmao MOOD girl can get it, we stan

Your Darling|@seeassnce

 _Replying to @enews @allisonhargreeves_ biggest hype @booktopus look what I found!

The Not Dumb One|@booktopus

 _Replying to @enews @seassnce_ first of all, literally reading over your shoulder, second of all I was the one who told you about this

Your Darling|@seassnce

 _Replying to @enews @booktopus_ can we see it when it comes out????????

The Not Dumb One|@booktopus

 _Replying to @enews @seassnce_ ofc we're seeing it, allison is an icon in any role, not even in a role she's iconic just in general

Allison|@allisonhargreeves

 _Replying to @enews @booktopus_ thank you for your kind words ;) I appreciate the support so much, love all of my fans

The Not Dumb One|@booktopus

I have decided I need a better roommate

Your Darling|@seassnce

 _Replying to @booktopus_ mood, mine won't shut up about my poor life decisions 

The Not Dumb One|@booktopus

 _Replying to @seassnce_ thats so weird, mine won't stop making poor life decisions

Queen of Procrastination|@writerlifeauthorgirl 

_Replying to @booktopus @seassnce_ have y'all tried switching roommates? 

The Not Dumb One|@booktopus 

_Replying to @writerlifeauthorgirl_ you might be onto something 

Library Lover|@bookstoreviolinist

 _Replying to @booktopus_ I feel this, I'm currently looking for a roommate

The Not Dumb One|@booktopus

 _Replying to @bookstoreviolinist_ be careful, there's a lot of creeps out there and I don't want you getting hurt 

Library Lover|@bookstoreviolinist 

_Replying to @booktopus_ oh! thank you! I am very careful, you don't have to worry about me 

Book Gang|@littlekitcaterina 

_Replying to @bookstoreviolinist_ book gang watches out for each other hun, booktopus worries about too many people to be healthy but he is entirely unstoppable

Queen of Procrastination|@writerlifeauthorgirl 

_Replying to @littlekitcaterina @bookstoreviolinist_ booktopus adopts us all and then worries about us, if he follows you, he considers himself your father 

I'm Not Your Father|@booktopus 

_Replying to @littlekitcaterina @writerlifeauthorgirl_ thanks for calling me out y'all, really appreciate the embarassment in front of @bookstoreviolinist 

Queen of Procrastination|@writerlifeauthorgirl 

_Replying to @booktopus_ anytime dad 

Book Gang|@littlekitcaterina 

_Replying to @booktopus_ anytime father 

Daddy's Favorite|@seassnce

 _Replying to @booktopus_ anytime dadtopus 

I'm Not Your Father|@booktopus

someone kill me, I am not your father 

Daddy's Favorite|@seassnce 

_Replying to @booktopus_ kill you? LMAO 

Library Lover|@bookstoreviolinist 

_Replying to @booktopus_ I think it's really cute and sweet, you seem like a kind soul 

I'm Not Your Father|@booktopus 

_Replying to @bookstoreviolinist_ this is why you are my favorite 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @eudorapatch is eudora  
> @beeman is beeman 
> 
> everyone else not specified is made up  
> yes ben accidentally adopted several wlw nerds in his attempts at reconnecting with his siblings, it happens


	3. Chapter 3

Daily Moon Updates|@dailymoonupdates

Day 442: The moon is really nice today

Dumbass On Alt|@booktopus

 _Replying to @dailymoonupdates_ glad to hear it, live your best life 

Daily Moon Updates|@dailymoonupdates

 _Replying to @booktopus_ Thank you? That's not my objective here but I appreciate the sentiment 

Dumbass On Alt|@booktopus

 _Replying to @dailymoonupdates_ well maybe you can make it a secondary objective? update on the moon, live your best life, make the most out of your mission, ya know?

Daily Moon Updates|@dailymoonupdates 

_Replying to @booktopus_ That's not how missions work but that is an interesting perspective 

Dumbass On Alt|@booktopus 

_Replying to @dailymoonupdates_ try out a few other perspectives, after all you're in the perfect place to change things up 

NASA|@NASA 

_Replying to @dailymoonupdates_ Good update today and we're happy you're still enjoying the moon!

#1|@leatherleader

anyone see a fuck up of a junkie around? kinda short, covered in tattoos, annoying as hell 

Dumbass on Alt|@booktopus 

_Replying to @leatherleader_ I- 

#1|@leatherleader

 _Replying to @booktopus_ do you have information on one? 

Dumbass on Alt|@booktopus 

_Replying to @leatherleader_ you do realize that Klaus literally follows your acc right? like you are aware of this yeah? 

#1|@leatherleader

 _Replying to @booktopus_ how'd you know I was talking about Klaus? you know him? 

Dumbass on Alt|@booktopus 

_Replying to @leatherleader_ I know them yes, and I made an educated guess since Klaus literally follows your acc

#1|@leatherleader

 _Replying to @booktopus_ do you know his location? also, how do you know him? 

Dumbass On Alt|@booktopus

R _eplying to @leatherleader_ yeah I'm gonna go, @seassnce you take over 

Dumbass On Main|@seassnce 

_Replying to @leatherleader_ don't interrogate my friends, that's mean, why do you want to know my location? 

#1|@leatherleader 

_Replying to @seassnce_ I'll direct message you 

Dumbass On Main|@seassnce 

_Replying to @leatherleader_ darling my dms are reserved, just text me like I know you're dying to do bb 

Kevin|@streetrat

 _Replying to @seassnce_ is it reserved for me? 

Dumbass On Alt|@booktopus

 _Replying to @streetrat_ No <3

Dumbass On Main|@seassnce 

_Replying to @streetrat_ No <3

Kevin|@streetrat 

_Replying to @booktopus @seassnce_ damn ok 

**Batman But Make It Kinky**

Klaus 

why hello there, come here often? 

**Batman But Make It Kinky**

Where are you? 

why? if you fancy a family reunion you could always try the moon. 

heard it's nice this time of year. 

**Batman But Make It Kinky**

...

Are you still made about last time?

bingo! darling diego get's it first try

**Batman But Make It Kinky**

If you're still mad at me, why do you follow me?

a friend insisted I should keep track of my family

even when they dump me at rehab instead of getting waffles like they promised

**Batman But Make It Kinky**

A friend? 

Who are you hanging around Klaus? 

people that care about me di

a good influence

**Batman But Make It Kinky**

Is it that booktopus person? 

Is he another one of your dealer friends?

don't you dare talk bad about him

**Batman But Make It Kinky**

Fine 

you done now? can I proceed with my day?

**Batman But Make It Kinky**

Are you safe Klaus? 

With a room and food? 

It's getting cold outside 

if I can afford a phone and have social media, surely I have a room over my head

I'm not homeless di

**Batman But Make It Kinky**

Good. 

You clean?

gotta go the wife is calling for me, don't wanna leave him alone too long

**Batman But Make It Kinky**

Goddamnit Klaus. 

**Batman But Make It Kinky has been blocked**

_@seassnce is no longer following @leatherleader_

_@seassnce has blocked @leatherleader_

Dumbass on Alt|@booktopus

I just got referred to as @seassnce 's wife, I think I'm going to be sick 

Kevin|@streetrat 

_Replying to @booktopus_ Are y'all not... 

Dumbass on Alt|@booktopus

 _Replying to @streetrat_ kevin nO

Kevin|@streetrat

 _Replying to @booktopus_ huh 

Queen of Procrastination|@writerlifeauthorgirl 

_Replying to @booktopus_ is @seassnce our stepfather

Dumbass on Alt|@booktopus 

_Replying to @writerlifeauthorgirl_ absolutely not, disgusting, I hate that thought 

Dumbass on Main|@seassnce 

_Replying to @writerlifeauthorgirl_ absolutely not, disgusting, I hate kids 

Dumbass on Alt|@booktopus 

I'm distressed 

Book Gang|@littlekitcaterina 

_Replying to @booktopus_ there there father, it'll be okay 

Library Lover|@bookstoreviolinist

 _Replying to @booktopus_ I'm sorry you're distressed, I hope that misunderstanding gets cleared up quickly for you 

Dumbass on Alt|@booktopus

 _Replying to @littlekitcaterina @bookstoreviolinist_ thank you <3 

Dumbass on Main|@seassnce 

Attention Everyone! I am not fucking @booktopus he wishes he could pull a lover like me 

Kevin|@streetrat

 _Replying to @seassnce_ does that mean @booktopus is single???

Dumbass on Alt|@booktopus

 _Replying to @streetrat_ Kevin I am Heterosexual 

Dumbass on Main|@seassnce 

_Replying to @booktopus_ I'll pray for you bb


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how twitter dms work okay so I decided to rip of instagram's dms instead, don't @ me about this

Daily Mail Celebrity News|@dailymailceleb

Allison Hargreeves denounces her sister's book and claims that her "sister is sick with jealousy" read the **_article_** here!

disaster lesb|@queerios

 _Replying to @dailymailceleb_ oh??? drama??? _@fruityloops_ come read this

mom friend|@fruityloops

 _Replying to @queerios_ you know your obsession with allison fucking hargreeves is getting concerning

disaster lesb|@queerios

 _Replying to @fruityloops_ but she's hotttttt

mom friend|@fruityloops

 _Replying to @queerios_ I see where you're coming from, but have you seen vanya hargreeves' author portrait on the back of her book? gal can get it

disaster lesb|@queerios

 _Replying to @fruityloops_ oh shit, is she single tho

mom friend|@fruityloops

 _Replying to @queerios_ cass, I meant it as allison isn't the only girl in the world, not for you to thirst after vanya

disaster lesb|@queerio

 _Replying to @fruityloops_ where's the article on if vanya is single, we don't need family bullshit drama tbh

Allison|@allisonhargreeves

 _Replying to @dailymailceleb_ Thank you for the interview! Your team truly treated me with kindness during this trying time

yes I do the cleaning|@thirstingafterallison

 _Replying to @allisonhargreeves @dailymailceleb_ I can't believe she has to go through backlash cause her sister's bitch book sold well

i love it when women|@247gaydisaster

 _Replying to @thirstingafterallison_ ikr? fuck vanya hargreeeves for being such a petty bitch tbh

Vanya's My Favorite|@booktopus

Everyone needs to shut the fuck up with the Vanya Hargreeves slander and here's why: A Thread

Vanya's My Favorite|@booktopus

 _Replying to @booktopus_ Okay first of all, this is old news. Vanya published the book over a year ago, going on two years so for Allison to call her sister out like this, is wildly immature to say the least

Vanya's My Favorite|@booktopus

 _Replying to @booktopus_ I see no other reason for Allison to do this except as a publicity stunt, using Vanya's own hardearned success and making it about her by stirring up the family drama and amplifying her own name in Vanya's book, which is normal celebrity behavior but honestly as her sister, it's just despicable 

Vanya's My Favorite|@booktopus

 _Replying to @booktopus_ Obviously, Vanya is not blameless in this endeavor. Do I believe that her book hurt her family in perhaps irreparable ways? Yes. Do I believe that it's something that shouldn't have necessarily been sent out into the world in a public way? Also yes. 

Vanya's My Favorite|@booktopus

 _Replying to @booktopus_ Do I believe that she was entirely in her right to write and express her feelings the way she did? Also yes. That childhood seems to have been a nightmare, writing about trauma is completely fucking valid and anyone who says differently can go fuck themselves. 

Vanya's My Favorite|@booktopus

 _Replying to @booktopus_ She shouldn't have publically published it. However, Allison Hargreeves is a celebrity which means she's more equipped to hatred, which is an awful thing to say but it's true. 

Vanya's My Favorite|@booktopus

 _Replying to @booktopus_ She has had years of experience with people leaving hate comments and such, she can face public backlash and she has publicists and social media employees who handle that shit for her. She, while the book may have hurt her, can at least handle the public hatred, not to mention the years of experience in the Umbrella Academy which started off her fame. 

Vanya's My Favorite|@booktopus

 _Replying to @booktopus_ Vanya Hargreeves' only experience with fame in anyway is the book. Otherwise, she's just a normal fucking person with childhood trauma trying to process that. She's not ready for the world to hate her and for people to call her a massive bitch online or even in person, which I've heard people have been hunting her down and accosting her in the street. 

Vanya's My Favorite|@booktopus

 _Replying to @booktopus_ Leave her the fuck alone. If the book hurt anyone, it's the family and it should be the family's job to respond to that, not anyone else's. If I see you in the street or on a tweet hurting her in anyway, I won't hesitate to rip you the fuck apart. Is that understood internet? 

Vanya's My Favorite|@booktopus

 _Replying to @booktopus_ tldr: vanya fucked up by making the book public but not by writing the book itself, but honestly allison is behaving like a dick by addressing it in a public way and sending loads of hate to vanya who lives a normal life, and if you send hate to vanya in anyway, you will die by my hand

i love it when women|@247gaydisaster

 _Replying to @booktopus_ honestly, no offence but I don't think you're allowed to have a take on this considering you're not part of the family and weren't hurt by the book 

we support vanya|@seassnce

 _Replying to @247gaydisaster_ honestly, full offence but shut the fuck up, you're not part of the family and yet you're speaking on it 

i love it when women|@247gaydisaster

 _Replying to @seassnce_ so what? you get to speak on this because you have the same opinion as booktopus? 

we support vanya|@seassnce

 _Replying to @247gaydisaster_ oh whoopsie daisy, forgot to introduce myself. hello darling, I'm Klaus Hargreeves, the séance, also known as the fuckup of the family. And I stand with @booktopus 's take on this situation and I stand with vanya any fucking day of the week and if you call my sister a bitch again, I won't hesitate to send an angry ghostie whostie after you, understood? 

Book Gang|@littlekitcaterina 

_Replying to @booktopus_ you make valid points father, **#westandwithvanya**

Queen of Procrastination|@writerlifeauthorgirl

 _Replying to @booktopus @littlekitcaterina_ **#westandwithvanya**

Kevin|@streetrat

 _Replying to @booktopus @seassnce_ wait...

we support vanya|@seassnce 

_Replying to @streetrat_ darling, tell me you're not surprised at this 

Kevin|@streetrat

 _Replying to @seassnce_ this explains so much 

Vanya's My Favorite|@booktopus 

_Replying to @streetrat_ kevin you're too dumb to be alive 

Kevin|@streetrat 

_Replying to @booktopus_ :c

Vanya's My Favorite|@booktopus

 _Replying to @streetrat_ he hAS THE FUCKING UMBRELLA TATTOO KEVIN

Kevin|@streetrat

 _Replying to @booktopus_ it's an umbrella?????

**Library Lover**

**bookstoreviolinist Twitter**

_56 followers 183 posts_

_You follow each other on Twitter_

_You both follow littlekitcaterina and 6 others_

**View Profile**

**Library Lover**

Hello 

**Vanya's My Favorite**

hello! :)

I have something to tell you

oh?

I'm Vanya Hargreeves

This is my secret account 

oh I know lol

You know?

absolutely

How? 

it's not obvious dw, I just have my methods

...Do you just follow me because that's who I am?

I follow you because you're delightful and every conversation we have makes me happy

I genuinely enjoy having you in my life

You're "friends" with my brother Klaus though?

unfortunately

Unfortunately? 

klaus can be a lot and it's hard keeping them alive sometimes but I do my best

Why? 

oh it's for a selfish reason entirely, I'm not ready to lose everything and if they died, nothing would be the same

death is a hard thing to deal with

Yeah...yeah it is 

I know this is out of pocket, but I'm sorry about you having to lose two brothers

you won't lose Klaus, that's a promise

Thank you. 

Is it okay if I say something?

go ahead, my ears are always yours

I sometimes feel like I've already lost Klaus

Like, I wasn't as close to him as I was my other two brothers

and after turning him away when he needed help, I feel as if I can never be close with him

or even talk to him again, you know?

go talk to Klaus, they'll forgive you

they understand it's hard to be there for a junkie

your book and you turning them away hurt but they love you

and you need to reach out to family when you can 

check in with them, you don't have to financially support them or anything

just talk to klaus and I promise you, you'll feel better

Where would I find Klaus? 

I'll let you know the next time we get an address

I promise

Okay thank you. 

Will I get a chance to meet you when I go talk to him?

I'll do my best to be there but no promises

klaus is still not sober so that's a bit of a struggle

Do you work to support him?

something like that

take care Vanya

Take care...what do I call you?

call me revenant

Take care Revenant, and let me know when you have an address to visit

of course van, don't let the hate get to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy holidays folks
> 
> also very proud of elliott page for coming out, however, since this is a fanfic about the character vanya who as of now uses she/her pronouns, vanya will continue to use she/her pronouns in this fic
> 
> just wanted to say that since some people haven't been separating the wonderful actor that is elliott page from his role

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what I'm doing here either


End file.
